OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
We smell like vodka and hangover
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