I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
