i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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