He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
