Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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