i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
