I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Randomize
