Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
Randomize
