Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
Randomize
