I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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