i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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