How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
