why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He passed out mid-signature
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
Randomize
