it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
