his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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