you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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