Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
