He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
