I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
