Do you still have your period?
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
