he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
