The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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