:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
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You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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