so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
soo... how was my night?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
