Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Randomize
