please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
