True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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