WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
