i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
