So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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