closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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