Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
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He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
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YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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