I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
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