i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Randomize
