we'll go far in life on tits alone.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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