It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Randomize
