just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Randomize
