Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
