So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Randomize
