Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
