i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
Its about making memories worth repressing
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
