I wish my penis had an off switch
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
