omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
dude i'm inner monologue high
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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