i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
