i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
i need to put some appletini on your dick
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
