Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
