I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
