The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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