upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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