I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
