hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
In other news, I just burned my penis
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
