I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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