Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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