We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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