Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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