hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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