he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
