I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
