i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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