I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
