dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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