Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Do you have feelings for this penis?
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