Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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